July 26, 2012
My husband and I try very hard to live our lives differently than other people. We believe in discussing issues and problems in a calm manner and that yelling and fighting doesn't solve anything. Despite these fundamental beliefs even the best of intentions can fall apart and we do end up fighting. In my world of definitions, fighting and arguing mean two totally different things. To mean arguing means a healthy exchange of disagreeing ideas with a problem solving undertone with the goal of coming to a mutual understanding and compromise. (This is not to be confused with debate which to me means an argument that doesn't have any real conclusion....think high school debate class or something along those lines.) Fighting is simply lashing out at each other with the intent to force your will upon someone else and with the intent to verbally (or physically if you're that type of person) hurt someone. My husband and I strive to only argue but unfortunately we do, once in a great while, fight. Last night was one of those rare times. And while I'm not one to air my dirty laundry in the great vast world wide unknown this argument was the whole purpose for today's run.
Having fought with my husband I went to bed and tried to sleep. When I was unable to, I got up and cleaned the kitchen (okay, so I clean when I'm angry, doesn't everyone?) by this time it was around 5:30 in the morning and as I was standing at the sink gazing unseeingly out into my mother in law's back yard I realized that the sun was coming up. I know that in the past when frustration has overwhelmed me if I went for a run it would help clear the air around me and help me become more focused. So as I was finishing up the dishes my thoughts turned toward the road and my shoes sitting neatly in their box calling to me, offering me the freedom and bliss and serenity of the pavement. Who was I to resist? Besides, I couldn't sleep anyway! I put down my dish towel and dug out my spandex.
Armed with my trusty iPod armband with my iPod blaring the "Marathon Mix" (Does anyone know how to change the name of a playlist once you have named it? I can't seem to figure it out!) and my Garmin on my wrist I set out. As my feet struck the pavement and my breathing became heavy I couldn't seem to find the peace I was searching for. The air around me was thick and heavy and my limbs felt tired. I kept telling myself if I just kept going I would find the calm I was searching for but it never came. I was a bundle of tension and my body knew it. I wanted to make this a 3 mile run (I am in training, you know) but it just wasn't happening and my body knew it. Despite cheerfully calling "Hello" to the people I saw out on their porches or on their morning walks I wasn't feeling joyful. Running wasn't going to ease the ache in my heart this morning and I knew it.
On my way back home I ran into my teenage cousin. She and a friend of hers were out running too. I was glad to get a hug as I haven't seen her in a while. I was grateful to see her. We had made an effort to gain guardianship over her and and her two sisters when their father died late last year but he had signed guardianship over to the middle daughter's best friend's family and they refused to sign it over to us. Now we don't get to see them very often; it's almost as though they are another family now and I miss them so I was very grateful to see our cousin this morning. I thank God for that small blessing. But it was with a heavy heart that I turned into my driveway after this morning's run. This morning there was no turning around and heading back to do the run again. As I quietly shut the door behind me upon returning I felt my eyes well up with tears. I knew what I had to do; I had to fix things with my husband. Our marriage is so important to me and whatever we fight about cannot be allowed to tear us apart.
Since my husband was sleeping when I came in, I sat down in my chair and fell asleep thinking things over. When I woke up I was disoriented (I thought it was 9:00 in the morning and it was 1:00 in the afternoon!) and things between my husband and I were chilled. As the afternoon wore on things thawed out and we worked things out and I felt better.
The physicals of the run break down like this: I ran 2.31 miles this morning. It took me twenty-seven minutes to do the courthouse run with the loop behind the courthouse included. My average pace was 11:30 and to be honest, I felt like crap. I believe this is because I was feeling like crap in my heart. This was my first early morning run ever. It was rather peaceful out in there in the morning but to be honest I have a much more idyllic idea of what an early morning run should be. My idea of a morning is this: Picture in your mind the perfect temperature for running. My ideal running temperature is slightly cool, cool enough to raise goosebumps when you start out but by the time you are done you are sweating. Now picture a nice clean trail; it's clear of roots and sticks and such. There are no cracks in the pavement, smooth and maybe just slightly curvy. The hills are moderate and there are trees on both sides of the path. Tall enough to block out the world but low enough that you feel safe. It loops around and there are posts marking your mileage as you run along embracing the peace and serenity of God's beautiful earth. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.....sounds like heaven on earth! And now we have to wake up; UGH! Nope, my morning run was along the sidewalks of town. It was quietish and there was little traffic, not many people out but it certainly wasn't as beautiful as what I picture in my mind, LOL!
Having said that, I liked running in the morning. Normally throughout my day I make decisions about how I eat, whether I take a shower early or late with my plan for my run in my mind. Today I didn't have to worry about. I'd already run, I'd had a shower. I could eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about it being too heavy for me to run (I prefer to run on an empty stomach). I was clean and my day was free. I didn't have to worry about fitting a run in. Those things make an early morning run worth it. Now if I could just get myself to do it every morning! Since we are night owls (my husband is a professional poker player and he works at night so I stay up with him) getting up early for a run is not really happening these days. Guess I need to work on that, eh?
All in all, this run was completely dissatisfying. It had more to do with my state of mind than the weather or the physicality of running itself. I learned today that there are some things a run can't solve. Going for a run will give you the space to calm down but you have to put you yourself have to put yourself in a place where you are willing to be open to changing your mind about what you think you are right about.
Happy Running!
KEA
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